Porcupine Harnesses

One day, Chester was awakened by the sound of his doorbell ringing. Groggily, he stumbled to the door and opened it.

A man with a pebble taped to his forehead handed him a package.

“What is this?” asked Chester.

“The package of porcupine harnesses you ordered,” said the man with the pebble taped to his head.

Chester thought and thought, but he could not remember having ordered porcupine harnesses. He accepted the package anyway, took it into the kitchen, placed it on the table, and opened it. To his surprise, it contained a summons to appear in court.

Chester had no idea why he was being ordered to appear in court, but he put on a suit and tie and proceeded out the door.

A squad car careened around the corner just as Chester was closing the front door. Imagine his surprise when one of the officers tased him and sawed off his leg.

“Why did you saw off my leg?” asked Chester.

“It is a preemptive measure for your own protection,” said an officer, “The leg might have become infected or started to make noises someday.”

The officers drove Chester to a restaurant. After being seated, a waitress came by to light their hair on fire. She doused the fires by pouring glasses of water on their heads.

Once inside the courtroom, Chester waited and waited for his case to be called, but it never was. Instead, the judge declared that none of the prisoners in the room would have been arrested unless they were guilty of something, so he sentenced them all to a peacock.

Once he was back at his house, Chester felt a pang of regret. He wondered whether he should ever have resigned himself to accepting post-rationalism.

Then again, who was he to object? He didn’t have a leg to stand on.