50 Second-World Problems

by Tom James

Some people say the United States has become a third-world country. I could be wrong, but I think that might be going too far. True, we lag behind a lot of other countries now with respect to overall levels of health and education. That is only because we choose to devote most of our resources to blowing other parts of the world up, though. Rather than argue about whether America is a first or a third world country, I’ve decided to just compromise and refer to these as “second-world” problems.

Here, in no particular order, is a list of 50 second-world problems. How many of them have you experienced?

1. Running to answer the phone, only to discover it is a robo-call suggesting you are in need of an extended warranty for your automobile.

2. Pot holes that have absolutely no pot in them.

3. Groups of people who walk on the running track in screen formation so runners pile up behind them.

4. People who stare at you while you are eating.

5. Motorists who tailgate you because you are only going 5 mph over the speed limit instead of 7 to 10.

6. Motorists who do not notice the light has changed from red to green until it is too late.

7. Motorists who don’t start proceeding through an intersection until the light has turned yellow.

8. Gamma bias.

9. People who stand on the running track to talk when you are trying to use it for running.

10. People who walk in the running lane even though the four lanes designated for walking are empty.

11. People who get angry if you hold the door open for them but also get angry if you do not.

12. The Federal Reserve Board chairman.

13. People who back away from a group when they are done with their conversation in a crowded area, failing to consider the possibility that someone else might be in the spot into which they are backing.

14. People who date a person only to make a different person jealous.

15. Motorists who occupy the passing lane without ever passing anyone.

16. People who steal other people’s mail.

17. People who steal other people’s packages.

18. People who steal other people’s families.

19. Internet phishers and scammers.

20. Academic websites that require multifactor authentication in order to log in even when the website is free and no personal or financial information is collected, stored or distributed.

21. People who make up acronyms and abbreviations on the fly and expect everyone to know WTHTM.

22. People who park their shopping cart in the middle of an aisle in such a way that there is no room on either side to go around it.

23. People who assemble in large groups in a hallway, making it impassable.

24. Gunplay in the library when you are trying to read.

25. People who, if they walked any slower, would be walking backward.

26. People who drive inexorably slowly in the no-passing zones and speed up in the passing zones.

27. People who hit you, cut off your finger, and defecate in your bed, and then portray themselves as victims of your domestic abuse.

28. People who imagine everything another person says or does is centered around lust for their bodies.

29. Cyclists who ram into non-cyclists in order to demonstrate the superiority of cyclists.

30. People who OVERUSE all-caps.

31. People who succeed in getting men punished for taking up too much room on a bus seat and then refuse to allow anyone to sit next to them when all the other seats on the bus are full.

32. People who think their bags are more worthy of occupying a chair or seat than another human being is.

33. People who routinely say, “I’ll let you do X for me” when they want you to do something for them.

34. Motorists who take up two spaces in a crowded parking lot.

35. People who borrow your car and return it with less than a teaspoon of gasoline left in the tank.

36. People who take a bite out of a piece of fruit in a grocery store and then return it to the shelf.

37. Smokers who accidentally blow up the gas station while you are waiting to fill up.

38. That guy In the gym who just sits there staring at you throughout your entire workout.

39. People who just sit there staring at you.

40. Fecal matter on toilet seats.

41. People who raise their voices when they have headphones on and who always seem to be singing along to songs like “Shannon.”

42. People who think the machines at the gym are just places to sit while texting.

43. People who stop suddenly while others are walking behind them.

44. People who back up at an intersection in order to hit the car behind theirs so they can claim they have whiplash and declare that they intend to sue unless they are paid a thousand dollars.

45. Women who strip naked in public so they can scold men for looking at them.

46. . Women who think that being an unaccompanied, unhandsome man in public is sufficient reason, in itself, to call police.

47. Wadded up snot tissues in the water fountain.

48. People who assume that anyone who loses their balance due to inner ear damage is a drunkard who has not found Jesus yet.

49. People who flaunt their attraction to another person as a means of ensuring their current partner will not start developing self-esteem.

50. People who think philosophical questions like “How should we live?” are dumb.